Can o' worms

I posted about this topic a couple times before which makes me hesitant to post on it again. However, I've been learning a bit about myself through this process. While my journey falls under "fertility challenged" yours might be "adoption challenged" or "job challenged" or "soulmate challenged". So, instead of assuming that I'm not INSANELY GRATEFUL for the wonderful husband and amazing son I already have, try to apply your unfulfilled desire to my thoughts.

This struggle for me is equal to the psoriasis on my right hand. Sometimes it flares up, is raw and unbearable and other times it's just part of life. A few times in the last couple months, our desire to expand our family has flared up like a hot pair of jeans from the seventies that can not be ignored.

Back in the fall, a simple picture explained a little bit for me. I'd recently had a conversation w/ an old friend about her infertility. She explained that her arms sometimes physically ache for a child to fill them. While mine sometimes ache because of my child and I loved her description, it didn't apply to our current situation. Then I saw it. A picture of a family of 6 (4 kids) was all huddled/cuddled on a couch with bowls of popcorn watching a movie. Aha. My arms are full but my couch is empty. That's my longing. A full couch. It finally had a name.

Now, let's stop for a minute. Please don't hear greed in that. I'm not your local Angelina or Octo-mom. If the Lord stops our blessings at just the 3 of us, that's what He decided is best and I'll be the happiest that way. However, I strongly believe that HE is the one who put the desire in our hearts to have a bigger family. Just like I believe that if you long to be married, that God placed that desire in your heart. Are we on the same page now? Same book at least?

People ask us all the time if we're 'ready' for #2, if we'll adopt again, if we'll try to have biological ever again, etc. Our answer is yes. To all of the above. Our timeline? Hmmmmm. We gave those up long ago. Along with flare-leg jeans.

I'm okay posting my honest thoughts because one day they will just be memories. One day I might even have to use birth control again and say "we can't this time" when offered a baby that needs a home. Just like posting things I want to remember about toddler-Eliot, I want to remember this journey. I trust that it won't always be this way and the times of celebration will be (and have been) that much richer if I can glean from all aspects, even the ugly times.

All this leads me to my post for tomorrow. I wrote something a while back and have gone back and forth on whether or not to post it. I think I'm supposed to put it out there for whatever reason.