Since my last post, I've gotten quite a response from you guys, especially from private emails sharing your struggles. Some are on the exact same journey, some with a different journey but the same questions. Whether it's a baby you desire, or a job, house, spouse, dog, good health, whatever you fill the blank in with, you have the same questions. Now that we've all acknowledged that we're on the same page I feel like we all just gave a big sigh and said, "that feels good to get that off my chest," and now we're all sitting around awkwardly saying "now what?" Unless a new job fell in your lap or you discovered Mr.right in the last few days, you still have questions. I know the only new thing in my belly is a new protein bar, so that leaves the need for an action step/follow-up of some sort.
First of all, getting past the feelings of guilt that I desire more after all the blessings that I have, I remember where the desire for more children came from. (Again, fill in blank there, desire for ____). Unless I'm totally off-base, God put it there, and he did so for a reason. This wasn't some 'bait and switch' and He is not a bully. Therefore, hope rises. And as hope rises, patience sets in.
Secondly, I'm constantly reminded of a Nooma video I've seen several times. It kills me without fail, even thinking about it. It's called Rain and the main character is taking a walk with his son in a carrier backpack through the forest. Halfway into their walk it begins to downpour. The baby begins freaking out and the dad is racing back through the forest to get him to dry shelter. Meanwhile the baby is clutching his father as if life depended on it. The father knows the rain won't hurt the baby and is touched by the intimacy of the situation. The baby is angry and refuses to be comforted but instead presses into his father for his comfort...Anyone got the connection yet? It's a powerful video if you haven't seen it, it's worth a little research.
So, our action step? So far for me, it's to press in. Press in until it makes sense. The more I press in, the more content I am with His plan. The bigger the question, the harder I press in. I have heard that sometimes the Lord will use that which is closest to your heart to bring you closer to Him. I think He's figured me out. This week is better. I've got a little piece of the whole "peace that passes all understanding," even after finding out that 2 more friends are pregnant. (yeah, 19! anyone want to donate to our baby shower gift fund? yikes.) The Lord is up to something and as with Eliot and every other blessing, He'll reveal it when it's time.