The question.

As I mentioned in my last post, our days are getting more and more sprinkled with adoption chit chat. Not just with our friends, but emails from strangers (stalkers) from the blog asking great questions.

There's one question I keep getting that I have a harder time with. It's legitimate but I just don't have the wisdom/experience to speak into it.

"Could I love an adopted child as much as I love my bio kids?"

To be honest, if I let it, it becomes one of the most offensive things people ask me. Unintentionally it automatically says that their love for their bio kids is stronger/deeper than my love for my boys. I know that's not what they mean, but it happens.

However, I want people to feel comfortable having these conversations with us. I want to be unoffendable while people process, with me as a sounding board. I've certainly said some offensive things. This morning, actually. (Don't ask, just know it's shocking I have any friends, frankly.)

So, I used the wonderful world of facebook to form my own panel. I asked 8 friends who have both biological and adopted children the same question. Here are some of their answers:

J (4 bio kids, in process of international adoption): I think that our capacity to love anyone comes straight from God. Whether we are saved or not...God is love and love is only possible because of Him. We are, by nature, really selfish creatures. God opens our hearts to love children and He gives us the wisdom to raise them. I think it is completely irrelevant whether they come from our uterus or our endless hours of pursuit. (by the way...adoption is WAY harder than pregnancy!)
Our ability to love our kids (bio or adopted) is a result of how much He loves us.

C (4 bio kids, 3 adopted): The answer is unequivocally yes. It takes time, though. When the twins first came home I felt like I was babysitting. It wasn't until I had to take them to daycare for the first time (4 months after they came home) when I realized how much my heart ACHED for them.

Sometimes that love feels different. You're supposed to love your bio children. You GET to love your adopted ones.

With the preemie, it was sort of love at first sight. I felt SO overprotective of him from the get go. It sunk in, again, when he got really sick and I realized how broken I would be without him.

I feel the same pride in my adoptive children as I do my biological children. I fight for them the same. I have the same expectations for them. I have the same dreams for them.

L (3 bio, in process for adopted foster): ABSOLUTELY!!! Though I think it is a choice, if you are constantly saying "this is my adopted child, can I love them the same", then you won't. You've got to let your heart be free to do what its going to do without your head interfering. They are your children, given to you by God just like your biologicals are. It was said before, the love comes from God. Without His love we wouldn't even love our biologicals well!

M (2 bio, 1 adopted): This was my husband's initial question when we were pursuing adoption--could he love a child that was not biologically his. I am more of a "kid person" in general--work as a pediatric nurse so I kind of need to like kids. My husband, however, is not your typical "kid person." It is amazing, though, from the moment we saw the first picture of our daughter, we loved her. I loved that small little faxed picture that was all we had of her and I showed it to everyone I saw. From that moment on, she was our daughter.
This doesn't mean it was easy, though. When we first came home from Guatemala, I had this weird sensation of feeling like I was just babysitting someone else's child. I worried that the connection that I had with my bio sons would never come with her. It absolutely did. I don't know how or when exactly it happened. But it definitely did.

R (4 bio, 5 adopted): When I first met my husband I did not instantly fall in love with him. But over time the more I was with him the deeper my love grew until we got engaged and then married. I was not related to my husband by blood yet I loved him more than myself. Once we got married we became one flesh by commitment and because of the covenant we made with God. I had made the choice to choose to love him and care for him because the Lord brought us together.

It is the Lord that makes us a family here and in eternity. We are all related because of our Heavenly Father. He adopts us into his family so how could we not do the same for the orphan. James 1:27 sums it up for us to take care of the orphan or fatherless.

You can look at it this way; Jesus chose me out of all the moms in the whole world to be their mom, He entrusted me with all their lives. . Just like with my husband who I chose to love , and my bio children whom I chose to love, and my adopted children whom I chose to love there is no difference. I have chosen to love them all because they all came to me from the Lord. I know you can choose to love anyone, Gods Word wouldn't command us to love others if we couldn't. So how much more should we love those that the Lord hand picks to send to us through adoption.

I know so many birth parents who have chosen not to love their bio children or anyone else. Love has to come from Christ and the only way you can love anyone is to first love the Lord and have a relationship with him which allows us to love others. Being a parent is never easy but God doesn't call us to serve on our own strength but through His strength. Which allows us to do all things through Christ. I know children are a blessing and I have been truly blessed.....

M (2 bio, 1 adopted): Love is absolutely a choice, our bio kids included and I think it can be easy to confuse "seasons of bonding" with "love." Maybe I am a freak, but the same two steps happened with my adopted daughter and my two bio sons...a decision was made that they were my children and I would love them and secondly the bonding process began. I will say it did not take longer for me to bond to my daughter than it did my sons...they were each different and on different time tables. I love something I think Tim Keller says that "love is a continuous pursuit of another."

S (2 bio, 1 adopted): I'm totally in love with all 3 of my kids! Sometimes I forget that I didn't carry my daughter in my womb. She is one of us. God brought us a daughter that fits perfectly in our family.

S (2 bio, 1 adopted):All I can add is how completely I fell in love with B(adopted) from the first moment I ever held her and how it actually took me a couple months to get to that same place with I (bio). It absolutely varies by child and their biology is irrelevant. I can also say, for me, if I were being completely honest, that there is a connection between myself and my bio boys that isn't there with B (adopted). It's the bio link, the thing that makes me marvel about who they look more like or where those personality traits came from. And I can imagine that that link is what other potential adoptive parents are aware of and fear won't be there with their adoptive kids. Here's the thing. It won't. But that link isn't where your love for your children comes from. I marvel over B (adopted) in an entirely different way. And I can also say, from the perspective of an adult who just met her biological father and experienced first hand the fascination of physical and personality traits passed genetically, that genetic links are important. We need to remember that for our adoptive kids as well. They too will want to know who they look like or where they get their aptitude for science from... So, to sum up, I would say that while biology is important, it doesn't equal love. My love for my kids is intense- equally.
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I mean...

Can you believe I have such wise friends? You'd think it would rub off on me at some point.

Hope this was helpful, being that it was the longest.post.ever.

Anyone else feel free to add your thoughts in the comments!

My post on rollercoasters. (sort of?)

I have always hated riding roller coasters. We lived within driving distance of one of our nations greatest parks, Cedar Point, and frequented it for family vacations. I would fill my time there on spinny rides only and was content to wait on the bench next to each roller coaster's exit while my friends and family enjoyed the thrill without me.

While Russ and I were dating, I surprised him once with tickets to Six Flags. It seemed like a "What a cool girlfriend!" thing to do but when we got there and Russ became aware of my limitations, he was a little confused. (I distracted him with a make-out session on the ferris wheel. My wisdom knows no bounds, no it does not.)

Once in awhile I actually get talked into riding a medium-sized coaster. We stand outside the entrance talking about it. I ask 9 million questions about how fast, how tall, how long that hang time at the top of the hill is, etc. Then we get in line. I make it a point to waver on the decision the entire maze, asking unending questions of my companion, keeping my eye on the exit.

Switching gears (stay with me): over the last few years more of those in our closer circles have brought up adoption. This in itself is not new, but the questions are different. Less "Good for you guys!" and more, "What about me/us?" Part of it is stage of life for a lot of our friends. Part of it is being exposed to the possibilities over and over. Part of it is because (thankfully?) it's become trendy in Christian culture to add some flavor to your family pictures, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Russ and I find ourselves in conversations where people are sort of processing out loud the decision they already made but haven't realized yet. Like me when standing in line for a ride. I'm kind of loving watching people, who are in fact called to adopt, figure it out. Can't wait to see how all these stories play out...

Then vs. now. There vs. here.

Dez is almost 9 months old.

I moved to Guate when E was 6 1/2 months old. Once Dez hit that mark, Russ and I exhaled a little bit. We've done this before! Experience in parenting removes a lot of the scary stuff.

I will say that being a mom in the states is a whole lot different than being one in Guate. My only responsibility with Eliot at this stage was Eliot. I didn't cook, clean, do laundry, attend meetings, take care of pets, volunteer, etc. I used to even spread out my grocery shopping over multiple days just so I'd have a reason to leave the house. The pressure to respond to emails from friends was pretty lenient since, ya know, I was in a foreign country and all.

Not having much of a to-do list lent itself to spending oodles of time with E. Which is huge in setting up healthy bonding. I find myself struggling to balance set-apart time with Dez and all my stuff day-to-day. Friends are more easily offended when I don't respond quickly, volunteer opportunities abound that all seem pretty important, the house and food distribution need my attention, and it just keeps going.

This time around I find myself going through spurts of locking down/staying in and then over committing myself. In the chaos that Guatemala-living lent itself to, I don't think I realized how healthy the situation actually was for Eliot and I. I honestly think our culture expects too much from moms of young kids. But on the flip side, that shouldn't be my default when trying to skirt responsibilities.

Gah. Balance and whatnot, right?

Date 1/12

Date #1. Woot to the woot!

In case you're new or haven't been paying attention, Russ is into music. Ya know, a little bit. So it was only appropriate that I made one of our dates a night out to see live music. I didn't know anything about them, but Russ kept talking about going to see The Civil Wars. So I made it happen. AND we ran into friends, Nick and Sarah, and got to hang with them during the show. And there may or may not have been a "situation" with a girl sitting by us. Just know that if you ask me a question, I will be honest with you, even if you're really drunk and looking for a different answer.


We started with dinner at The Fountain on Locust, a local restaurant we've never had dinner at before (only dessert). We started using these silly books to see if we've paid attention to each other the last 15 years.



I'm a fan. Of my hubs. and dating him.

Can't wait to tell you about February!

Happy Gotcha Day!

As I'm putting on my "fancy clothes" as Eliot calls them, the sound of Russ' footsteps into Dez's nursery comes into our room through the monitor.

"Good morning, son"

That identity became official today.

We walked into the court room and sat in the seats provided. The lawyers and judge did their usual spiel. We answered when appropriate, we listened when appropriate.

I could feel it coming. Like a wedding day when you're waiting for those specific words that bind you forever.

Everyone had done their assigned roles. It was coming. The judge paused.

"I have one more question."

I sat up a little straighter.

"Eliot, what do you think about this?" Eliot turned around, shyly not answering the judge.

"Eliot, is Dez a good little brother?" Still nothing.

"Well, do you want to keep him?" Eliot turned quickly back around to her and said, "YES!"

"Well, in that case, this adoption is final."

It didn't take more than 20 minutes to change our lives.

Fuzzy but hilarious. (Kinda like all three boys in my house?)

"There is not a more poignant picture of the gospel than adoption. Today the court ordered that Desmond now has a new name, and the full rights of a natural born son - including our protection, provision and even an inheritance. Thank you, Jesus." --Russ's fb status.

I'm a mess.

We have a court date.

For finalization.

Next week.

Next week.

He's ours forever.

No biggie..

For those not anxiously checking my facebook status, we're still not sure when Dez's adoption will finalize. We're literally waiting on a document to come in the mail. We have a court date for next week but will have to reschedule if the document doesn't arrive in time.

By then all the February dates may be booked.

So it may be March?

So, yeah, sometime in 2012, Desmond's adoption will be finalized.

This is a sliver in the trauma of the adoption world, so we're not too bothered by the uncertainty honestly.

Although, the last time we had an adoption get delayed the margaritas were better and I had a pretty good tan...

A funny thing happened on the way to the Little Rock...

We realized we forgot to purchase something needed while driving to visit the fam in Little Rock. Russ mentioned stopping at the Wal-Mart in West Memphis, a somewhat mid-way stopping point.

We walk in, heading to the department of choice but Eliot and I get distracted at a bin near the front as Russ keeps walking. I'm holding Dez to give him a break from the car seat. A twenty-something african-american male walks up and says:

"Can I fill out an application?" and grins.

I think, "Does he think I work here? huh?"

I say, "I'm sorry, what?"

He looks me up and down with a little neck roll to the side, grinning, nods at Dez and says, "Can I fill out an app.li.ca.tion.?"

I yelled, "STILL GOT IT! WOOT!" and walked away.

Not really. But I was flattered that someone on this planet thought my genes could create Dez. No wonder he wanted a piece of that...I mean...

(And if you haven't been around since 2008, you may have missed this great moment in an Arkansas gas station.)

THE gift.

That's what it said on the outside of the package in huge letters.

I've spent the last 2-3 months on this thing and I'm pretty freakin' excited about it. Had to do something awesome since Russ loved his gift from last year. Why do I set myself up like this? Next year he's getting wool socks. Ugly, itchy wool socks. With holes in the toes.

Got the idea from Pinterest (duh) which led me here.

The gift?


"2012 is for lovers. 12 dates in 12 months."


I guarantee we did not see 12 dates in the last year. Not okay but understandable. Whatevs. 2012 is steppin' it up. Boom. To ya motha, yo.



Russ only opened January and February so I can't divulge the secrets within each envelope yet but I'm hoping to blog after each date to 1. document this biz, 2. be a resource if you ever want to also steal this idea and use it.

I took a page outta The Bachelor book of operation and made each note hint at what we're doing. And because my husband pretends to not care about reality tv, he immediately said, "I feel like I just scored 12 one-on-one's. Which date involves a helicopter?"

It was a hit. I'll keep ya updated.

Warning

Don't read this link if you're in front of other people.

This is a great blog, a great series and an impactful letter to Santa...