Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I don't do sad.

**Jumbled ramblings ahead:**

I don't know how to mourn this. I never held him. He's not even born yet. He wasn't in my womb. It's not a lost life. Yet there's a nursery full of clean, folded and organized clothes. There's a major shift in how the future looks. This baby, this adoption has consumed my every thought for the last 3 months. The closer it got, the more I trusted it.

I'm sad. Which is a hard place for me. I blame my Dad. He doesn't do sad either. It's his fault I get funnier as life gets harder.

Mornings are hardest. That split second where you have to remind yourself why you don't feel right when you come to consciousness.

I'm thankful I never held him. I'm thankful we only were offered this 3 months ago and not longer. I'm thankful for Eliot. I'm thankful for open communication between the birth mom and us.

Unlike many birth parents in the fostering world, I truly believe this birth mom will be a good mom.

I don't even know what to call this. Failed adoption? Disrupted adoption? I've heard the term "adoption miscarriage" and it makes me want to punch someone for adding drama to a situation that already has it's share.

There are moments where I am fully decided that we'll quit doing this. We're going to quit taking risks, opening ourselves up to "come what may." But I know I don't mean it. We are the Mohrs. This is what we do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but it's always a blessing.

Surprisingly (I still don't understand it) I'm not mad at God. I don't think I've even asked him why He did this/allowed this. I'm not angry, I'm not confused, I'm just sad.

The good news? I have a husband who says things in the middle of the downward spiral like, "You, me and Eliot? We're all okay." and then once it's ended? "We have money raised, a completed home study and a nursery full of awesome stuff, we can't let that go to waste..."

11 comments:

Maggie said...

Praying for you all.

Jamie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you have such an awesome husband. I read a quote today that said,"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together". I pray that you will continue on your adoption journey. Having miscarried 3 babies in less than 9 months, I would imagine it does feel sort of like a miscarriage. I am praying for you.

Pamela said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for you all in getting through this and for what the next step may be. Hugs...

Pamela said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for peace in what you all are feeling right now and for whatever the next step may be in this journey. Hugs...

Laura Stern said...

Not sure what to say to help ease the pain. Probably not much I could say. Besides you are in our thoughts and will be praying for comfort. That's got to be hard, especially feeling like that was already your baby. You have such an awesome heart for adoption and so does God. He won't let that go to waste and He WILL fulfill your heart's desires.
Let me know if you need support...

amy said...

I know you won't "let it go to waste". the Mohrs are rock stars and will give a baby an amazing home one day soon!!! still praying for you...

The Busters said...

Katie, I am so sorry. I read something on another blog this morning that I wanted to pass along to you. Maybe you have already read it but it made me think of you. It is an excerpt from "The Piano."

Whatever our situation in life and history--however outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul-- God is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together we will transform the broken patterns into a masterwork of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with our song of peace.

© E. Elliot 1997

Heather said...

Yay for Russ! I love his perspective and I love you for your honesty and putting it out there for us to read and keep you guys in our thoughts.

MICHELLE said...

Katie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and Russ.

Blessed Mommy said...

praying for you, my sweet friend... i know how you feel in regards to the temptation to give up; sometimes it sure seems that would be easier.. but i agree we must press on, in one way or another! hugs to you and your family!!

Joy said...

Duncan Sheik wrote a song for "Spring Awakening" called "Don't Do Sadness". Check it out... I get this song.