Monday, March 16, 2009

Can o' worms

I posted about this topic a couple times before which makes me hesitant to post on it again. However, I've been learning a bit about myself through this process. While my journey falls under "fertility challenged" yours might be "adoption challenged" or "job challenged" or "soulmate challenged". So, instead of assuming that I'm not INSANELY GRATEFUL for the wonderful husband and amazing son I already have, try to apply your unfulfilled desire to my thoughts.

This struggle for me is equal to the psoriasis on my right hand. Sometimes it flares up, is raw and unbearable and other times it's just part of life. A few times in the last couple months, our desire to expand our family has flared up like a hot pair of jeans from the seventies that can not be ignored.

Back in the fall, a simple picture explained a little bit for me. I'd recently had a conversation w/ an old friend about her infertility. She explained that her arms sometimes physically ache for a child to fill them. While mine sometimes ache because of my child and I loved her description, it didn't apply to our current situation. Then I saw it. A picture of a family of 6 (4 kids) was all huddled/cuddled on a couch with bowls of popcorn watching a movie. Aha. My arms are full but my couch is empty. That's my longing. A full couch. It finally had a name.

Now, let's stop for a minute. Please don't hear greed in that. I'm not your local Angelina or Octo-mom. If the Lord stops our blessings at just the 3 of us, that's what He decided is best and I'll be the happiest that way. However, I strongly believe that HE is the one who put the desire in our hearts to have a bigger family. Just like I believe that if you long to be married, that God placed that desire in your heart. Are we on the same page now? Same book at least?

People ask us all the time if we're 'ready' for #2, if we'll adopt again, if we'll try to have biological ever again, etc. Our answer is yes. To all of the above. Our timeline? Hmmmmm. We gave those up long ago. Along with flare-leg jeans.

I'm okay posting my honest thoughts because one day they will just be memories. One day I might even have to use birth control again and say "we can't this time" when offered a baby that needs a home. Just like posting things I want to remember about toddler-Eliot, I want to remember this journey. I trust that it won't always be this way and the times of celebration will be (and have been) that much richer if I can glean from all aspects, even the ugly times.

All this leads me to my post for tomorrow. I wrote something a while back and have gone back and forth on whether or not to post it. I think I'm supposed to put it out there for whatever reason.

15 comments:

kbreints said...

That is a great way to describe it.. a full couch...

Deb said...

From one empty couch gal to another, I say amen. Open that can of worms and I will gladly read and pray.

erin said...

Thanks for sharing so honestly Katie. You have such a way with words. You are so wonderful with E. I would love for you to have more on your couch.

heather said...

What lovely thoughts Katie. I know how you feel. I'm not saying that in a "I KNOW how you feel, I've struggled with infertility and adopted" obviously, but you explain it very well.

I've got that empty couch feeling big time too, and I've been struggling with it more and more (and trying to remember to keep handing it over to God more and more) in the past six months or so. We do want more kids, and I SO want another baby. However, I physically cannot do it again. I'm just not cut out for it; I don't like anything about being pregnant, I had some severe depression, and I'm not going to put my family through that again. Besides, we already made that decision and Ryan got that option taken care of. :)

So now what? I know that I want a baby, and I don't know how it is that the Lord's going to work that out for us. As you know (much more than I), adoption is so uncertain and overwhelming with so much waiting and so many obstacles. We're struggling with what direction to go and the ways in which we'll get there.
Um, win the lottery and stumble on a mom who needs a newborn taken off her hands? Okay.

I too feel selfish in wanting these things. I already have two beautiful amazing and healthy children.

But I do want a baby to hold again. My heart aches sometimes wanting that. I want to grow up another little creation of God. And probably another one after that, and maybe another.
I want that full couch and a full house and I'm faltering in my faith to see how that will work out sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for sharing these thoughts. I love how you wrote 'I'm okay posting my honest thoughts because one day they will just be memories'... perfectly put.
I'll be praying for you and Russ and Eliot and am looking forward to watching you and your family grow in God's perfect plan.

Chrissy said...

Your timing (and God's) is perfect. Thank you for your gentle reminders and heart-felt honesty...from a girl who longs for a fuller couch. :)

amanda said...

i adore you and your cute little family. more kids for the mohrs!! yay.....

i just have two things to say.

1. don't have too many kids because the overall cuteness of your family will become too overwhelming and the whole world will implode on itself.

2. save room on the couch for daisy. or just give her to me. (did she pay me to say that? yes... she most certainly did.)

Steff said...

Katie,

Thanks for the post. I could not have stumbled a crossed your blog at a better time.

My husband and I decided to start trying for a baby last September. We have yet to get a positive result. And, while I realize it's early. My heart is filled with fear.

We haven't shared what were going through with too many people as we hope to surprise those close to us should God give us a baby.

Reading your story has not only helped me to see adoption as a wonderful option. But, has also helped me through some sad days. It's just great to know that other people feel this too.

Thanks for sharing.

K.M.L said...

I love your thoughts....definitely well said. I miss ya friend!

Mamá to the best 3 said...

praying for your full couch!!

Nikki....Gabi's Mama said...

From one woman to another, I admire you, I admire your heart and I admire your writing.

Wishing you the right size couch for your family whatever that turns out to be!

Amanda said...

We would love for you to have a full couch too!!! But seriously too many and this Aunt will not be able to keep the clothing going!!!
I love you guys and know that God has some amazing things in store!!!
Thanks Katie for speaking straight to my heart!!! Full couch sounds nice but first things first!!!

Love you!!!

Jacob, Lisa and Charlie said...

I am praying for a pregnant Katie in hot flared jeans (preferably in pink, but I will work with any color Lord.)

Tina said...

Just a beautifully honest post. Thank you.

Sharon, Irene and Isabella's Mommy said...

Thanks for your open heart... looking forward to your words tomorrow. You know how much I love this subject because it is so near to my heart as well. Love you!

howie mama said...

I was just discussing my feelings of"guilt" with friends yesterday in regard to wanting a second child. I remember feeling a little resentment while on our first journey to adopt Collin against people who already had a child. I remember thinking-you already have one and I don't-I just want a child, is that too much to ask? Today, our lives are full with Collin but we are in a new position and now a new understanding-wanting more. It is so interesting how this journey continues to expand our minds and our hearts. Our eyes are opened and we begin to see and feel the perspective of another. Sometimes, I wish it was easier and we could just get pregnant like others rather than planning and saving. Fortunately, I think I have realized the value of the "journey" to a child and how it becomes the "story" of thier life-but it doesn't make it any easier!