Thursday, July 2, 2009

Secret Thoughts

We're all friends, right? So it makes sense that I would post my secret thoughts here, clearly. I guess they're not so much secret as they are just stuck up in my head with no outlet yet.

I love Guatemala. I love so very many things about it but the part that gets me every single time is each and every face. The smiles, the eyes. The same smile and eyes that got us into all this trouble in the first place back in '03 in Honduras.

It blows my mind that we haven't even been home 2 years yet but we've been blessed to be able to return to Eliot's birth country 3 times already. Would not have seen that coming. We had originally talked of taking him for his 18th birthday.

Every time we go, on almost every day, I see a face that reminds me of my chocolate chip. This leads me to the same thought: What would Eliot's life look like if we hadn't adopted him?

The legit answer: some other house/family in the states. Oh yeah.

After remembering that, I then almost always wonder what his life would have been like if his birth mom hadn't decided to place him up for adoption.

That's a much different answer.

Before I go there, know that sometimes these types of trains of thought bother me. They are apt to create either drama or some sort of martyr role. However, I sometimes can't help it as an adoptive mom. I assume it's natural?

I see little Chapins* getting on school buses, shining shoes, holding hands with their mom, begging for money, digging through trash to find something worth money, playing with their friends, selling me a bracelet*, in good orphanages, in rough orphanages, sniffing glue, in the grocery store with their dad, laughing, crying, clean, dirty, too skinny, too chubby, thriving and struggling.

There's obviously no way to know so there's not any point in entertaining the thought too long. It's not like we're going to go through an entire "It's a Wonderful Life" moment here.

All that to say, I can rest in the knowledge that even in Eliot's conception, the plan was for him to live with us and be our first child. This wasn't a plan B for us any more than it was for him. Daily I'm grateful beyond words that his birth mom followed whatever tug was on her heart.

Chapin: slang word for Guatemalan person.

Bracelet: a bracelet I paid 4X what I should have because he looked like Eliot, just a couple years older. Can you blame me?


Jodie Allen said...

God's plan is awesome. And complete. And I love resting in that knowledge too.

Great post friend.

Heather S. said...

I love, love your story and I love the way you tell it with words that put things together perfectly. (which reminds me, how's the book coming? I want a copy when it is complete).

Thank you for reminding us that whatever we are going through, that God's plan is THE PLAN. I tend to expect God to go along with my plan - but HELLO, God's plan is always SO much better!!

I love to see the pictures of E with you and Russ. It always brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how God picked you to be his parents and picked E to be your son! AMAZING!

Jacob, Lisa and Charlie said...

Perfectly said my friend.

Amanda said...

Thank you so much for sharing even more of your heart!!! I love that you have a way with words. I am so glad that God has it in HIS plan for Eliot to be in our family...I cannot imagine life without that little fire ball!!!!
Give E kisses from Aunt Manda!!!

Tina said...

I get it! I feel the same way when I look at Ella. Sometimes I panic thinking those "what if she didn't come to me" thoughts. Then I come to my senses and realize she was OURS from before conception. Love the post.

jeck said...

Love the way you put this together! That is exactly how I feel about our son!! I often tell people that God thought it would be too easy for me to give birth to our child and he knew I liked a challenge so he put him in GUA for me to find! God has a PERFECT plan and I love the special surprises that he has had in store for me!!

Thanks for sharing!!