While Sharon was here back in January we started an interesting chat. At Bella's pre-school when they're teaching kids how to apologize, they don't allow the offended party to respond with "That's okay!" because it isn't. It isn't okay. Instead they say thank you for apologizing and remind them not to do it again.
Ever since then Russ and I have been doing the same thing and I think I'm on board. Who started the whole co-dependent "it's okay!" deal? As literal as small children are, for them to hear that they should apologize but then hear that it was actually okay for that to happen is about 5 kinds of mixed messages.
Thoughts?
9 comments:
Hurray for them!! I do the exact same thing with the kids in my class. If they say that's okay, I redirect them to say-I accept your apology!
I totally agree, Katie!
Love this. Totally starting it with Javen!
we make a point to do the same thing with Elle...but we're also working on the difference between saying "I'm sorry" & actually asking for forgiveness.
parenting...it's a tricky thing.
I never thought of it that way... and do say that a lot! That's a really good point.
When I taught preschool, we focused and making sure the apology wasn't just a forced "I'm sorry", but coached them in a three part apology... I'm sorry for This Specifically because of How It Made You Feel/What Happened and then we always followed up with a How Can I Help You Feel Better? So there wasn't really an "I'm sorry/It's Okay" exchange but rather a caregiving, righting the wrong type of conversation... even if the response was "just don't do that again!". Most often it was a hug for hurt feelings or a kiss to the boo-boo that was requested! :)
That's a very good point about the "it's okay" thing though... very mixed messages when you think about it! I'll have to be more intentional about that!
Yep, we do the same thing with our kids. We say "I accept your apology" or "I forgive you." I agree that it's got to be confusing for kids to have to apologize for something if it's okay!
We do the same thing a lot, but we also have taught the girls to say, "I'm sorry for _______. I know that made you feel __________. Will you forgive me?" We don't expect the girls to forgive instantly - because sometimes that is hard to do, but we do expect them to take some time to "get over it" and forgive. Usually, though, the girls forgive instantly. It drove me crazy when I was teaching and the kids would throw out and "I'm sorry" and the kids had been taught to say "that's okay."
There's a better option:
Offender: "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"
Offended: "Yes. I forgive you."
Katie I totally agree. I this is a great idea. Also, I totally stole this for my blog because it is such a fantastic idea. Hope you don't mind.
I love this idea! I teach 3rd grade and I had an opportunity to use this the day after I read your post. Thanks for passing it on :)
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