Friday, January 25, 2008

Life after adoption

Over the last week (possibly two weeks if you ask Russ) I've been having a whine-fest. Unfortunately it's not the kind with grapes and yummy cheese. Through processing all my 'feelings' I've come to some conclusions that have moved me out of whine-fest mode. Some of this post might be too personal for blogland, but there's a crowd of women who are regular readers that are in (or will be) in the same boat, so I'm just going to lay it on the table.

The issue? Pregnancy. No, we're not. We've been home 6 months and have so much on our proverbial plates that the subject hasn't come up a whole lot. Baby #2 has just been a conversation topic when there's a cute kid on TV or an adoption story that is captivating. However, our environment won't let up. In our different circles of friends there are 17 people that are pregnant. How do I ignore that? I simply can not get away from it. Not to mention that while I sit and tutor for 10 hours a week, the picture window we sit at faces a Pregnancy Resource Center so I get to watch people going in and out all day. I am fearful of knowing what's in the little brown bag they leave with. And on top of that,a lot of my friends from Guate have started (and some almost done with) the process for their second child.

One realization that I've come to is the difference between my longing to be a mother and my longing to be able to conceive. Up until this time, I didn't know they were different and I felt a little guilty, with a dash of greediness, that I still desired to be pregnant at some time. The dissonance between enjoying motherhood with Eliot and desiring even more wasn't settling well with me. After processing all that happened with our adoption, it was an odd thing to realize that we were still in the category labeled "infertile". I kinda forgot.

There have been times that I have gotten so self-absorbed in my own pity-party that I've lost sight of who is taking care of me. If I viewed Eliot as our plan B then I can throw a tantrum that I'm without a bun in the oven, let alone any dough in the house. HOWEVER (yes, caps were needed to emphasize the enormity of the transition) Russ and I firmly believe that E-man was God's Plan A for us. If I deviate from this truth even for a second, I'm bombarded with reasons to feel sorry for myself and become ultra sensitive to everything around me. If I set up camp with this truth, the blessings that have been so freely given start to get more vibrant.

I guess no matter what it is, if you look around and see that the Lord freely gives and yet you don't have, you start to question. I don't want to equate the Lord's goodness with the tangibles around me but it's a struggle for me. I want to complain, I want to be sad and frustrated and yet I want to learn contentment and move on. I want to understand the Lord and trust His plan.

Meanwhile, Plan A has a really stinky diaper so I need to wrap this up.

Some practicles:

*Pregnancy is a miracle and I'm blessed by all the new life around me! Please don't hear what I'm not saying in this post! I can't wait til all these little ones are running around with Eliot! So many new friends!

*And for those of you who haven't been told yet, a word of advice: don't ever tell people who have adopted that now they are sure to get pregnant, no matter who you know that it really happened to. You may have just given a "back-handed compliment" as the guy on the radio says. You do not know where their heart is and you may just be rubbing salt in a very raw wound. A simple "congratulations" will do just fine.

*There are those around us, in our same circles, who also haven't been able to conceive yet. It goes without saying that this time is hard for them. Pray for miracles, pray for peace, pray for trust and faith, and pray for guidance. The whole infertility and adoption world can offer many options and be overwhelming to a couple that just simply wants a child.

***P.S. I hope that this post isn't offensive to anyone. On one hand I'm trying to be honest with those that share my struggle and on the other hand raise a little awareness for those that are oblivious.


Erin said...

Woah! 17 new babies in your circle! I would think that'd make anyone feel left out. Even for those of us who never want to conceive, I'd think I'd be wondering if there's not something to it.

And so, to be "labeled" infertile and in that situation has got to be even harder. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, but know that it's also wonderful that you are. Whatever way "Mohr Baby 2.0" makes his/her way into your home, you will have thought carefully, prayed earnestly, and acted responsibly to get there. And that's the best kind of parent there is!

Whine-fests are just fine, by the way. Let me know; I'll bring the cheese! :)

Sharon said...

I love your heart and your honesty, dear friend. I'm right there with ya...

Unknown said...

Very, very, very well done, my love. I'm glad you are processing and figuring out how to trudge through this ("we've gotta trudge, trudge trudge"... Backyardigans, anyone?). Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I love you dearly, and will do whatever I can to help you with plans for #2 :)

Amy said...

I think you said the one thing you know for certain: It's all God's plan, and we're just waiting in the wings to find out what is in store for all of us. My friend's mom has a magnet on her fridge that says "People plan, God laughs." There's no rhyme or reason that we silly humans can decipher, but God knows, and He will give you what you need! The problem is making what He says you need match up with what you want! :)

And there's your unsolicited church sermon from Sister Amy for today.

Ferris Family said...

I want to respond and don't even know where or how...
Katie you are an inspiration, encouragement, and vessel. God has really used you.

K.M.L said...

You said it beautifully.....

Chris and Lindsey Wheeler said...

Katie, wow! I am so amazed by your honesty and are such an example to follow. Know that I am praying for you friend....and I also know that the Lord will continue to use you, Russ, and Eliot in mighty ways! I can't wait to keep watching your story unfold.


Anonymous said...
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Amanda said...
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Anonymous said...

katie, I think what you said was brave and true and exactly what people need to hear. i'm in the "oblivious" category, mostly b/c I've had three "accidental" pregnancies in three years. I can't imagine not being pregnant much less not being able to get pregnant. So I really want to thank you for telling your side of God's plan b/c it opens my eyes to your struggles and like you said, will make me stop at congratulations instead of possibly trying to add some other empty comment if I ever have a friend/family member in your situation. AND, when I say it's brave, it's really brave b/c most women have a whine-fest about something in their life on a regular basis, we just don't put it out there and admit it. I love your heart and your constant and TRUE trust in the Lord, thank you for sharing...and I'll be praying for you all.

Darcy said...

My friend sent me your blog today. I loved reading your last post... your authenticity was so refreashing to me. We have been down your road and to say it is an emotional rollercoaster is a major under statement. Thanks for your honesty. We leave on our pick up trip tomorrow to Guatemala.
Also love the colors of your blog. It is my favorite I have seen.
Darcy McMurray

Shelly said...


Thank you for sharing your heart. You've expressed many thoughts and feelings I've had and continue to have.

I struggled cleaning out Drew's closet of outgrown clothes. It brought many emotions to the surface as I tried to decide what to do with all the clothes. Do I want our family to be complete? I don't, but I also don't know God's plans for our family. Maybe it is his plan for our family to be a family of three. I'm excited to see what He has in store for us!

Laura P said...

I hear you Katie! We have only been home with the kids 7 months but we have been down this path. Ellie is 18 months and we are now trying to pray out what God has for our future. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this and I am so glad that you put into word what so many feel.

Amanda said...

I left a comment earlier and then went back today and reread it. It didn't completely relay what I am feeling so here is another try!!!

So, I am glad that you shared your feelings with us bloggers. I want to say something encouraging so bad but I truly do not know what to say.
At times it is hard for me to read something like this last blog because: Being 27 and being "alone" it is hard to completely understand how hard it can be for someone who has a wonderful husband and amazing little boy at home and still have that feeling of longing. Thank you for opening up my eyes once again!!! I know what longing feels like even though it is a different kind of longing that I have at this point in my life.
Know that I love the three of you more and more everyday...Eliot is the biggest treasure that an aunt can have but there will be plenty more room in this aunt's heart when #2 is added to the family!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm a long time lurker also here in St. Louis! Anyway, we have adopted 2 little guys - one from Guate, and one was Domestic. I'm totally there with ya on the "after you adopt you'll get pregnant" comment. If I had $5 for everytime we heard that comment while we were in process with our oldest son, we could have paid for the attorney fees alone! ha! I know that others say things like that out of love, but sometimes it's better not to say anything, right?!?

I admire your honesty and bravery in this post; whine away! God will guide you down His perfect path as you grow your family someday.

Anonymous said...

Please forgive me!! I left a comment earlier and it was deleted...I suppose I didn't say clearly what I meant to say. I think Amanda took the words right out of my mouth when she said its hard to imagine having a great husband and child and still longing (which there is nothing wrong with!). Someone single can only imagine even being married...just like you only imagine conceiving your own I suppose that is why it was painful for me because I am in my own place of waiting on the Lord. But you are SO right when you remind us how the Lord freely gives and we must remain focused on his control. It's a good reminder to any of us in any stage of life married or single..and I needed to hear please know that is what I meant and thanks for sharing your heart.

Nikki....Gabi's Mama said...

I couldn't agree more Katie. It always amazes me too that people would not dream of asking much less personal questions. Thanks for putting your heart out there.

Ps I keep forgetting to ask, is it ok to add your blog to ours??

Scott & Melissa Davis said...

I was just listening to Nichole Nordeman- Brave and was thinking of you and moved by you and your life and the testimony of your family....I am SO proud of you and so proud of how brave you are and how willing you are to step out in faith and trust God as raw as that feels are my example and I keep thinking about what you are always telling me...He is so up to something for our children's generation, it is something mighty and powerful and going to be world changing and we are parents are on the front lines of this battle as He releases our children into GREAT things...Eliot and any future little Mohrs are BLESSED to have you as their mommy and I am blessed to have you as my dear friend!

Joe and Kelli said...

my heart hurts with you. I don't personally KNOW what you feel, but I can imagine what you feel. Although I too am surrounded by many new pregnancies, I am also surrounded by too much infertility. I see the pain on the faces of friends and family who want to be pregnant, but aren't. I want to appologize to you personally for insensitive comments or conversations. I feel your pain...not in total, but I do in part. My prayers are all I can give, so that is what you'll get from me.
I love you!

Erin said...

thought you might like this:

Doripink said...

I don't know you and never even read your blog before, but I stubbled across it today and boy am I glad I did. What an amazing post. I loved every word of it.
I struggled for so many years to decide whether I wanted to "be pregnant" or "be a mom"...I'm am very glad God gave me the grace to pick the latter. I am now the VERY proud and blessed mama of my Russian princess, Annalise.
thanks for the post!

The Wagners said...


Way to keep it real. If we all were a little more honest and real all the time life would be a LOT easier. I think we should have a national tell your neighbor what is screwed up about you/you and your family day. It would change the world.

Love always,

Big Wag and family